Feeling Insecure

 Beginnings.  Firsts.  Starting.  The white page of the compose screen of  this blog looks so blank.  And I wonder "Who am I kidding?" and "What am I thinking?" to try this thing called "writing a blog"?  Deep breath.  I've been here before.  The first day of a new job, the first day at home alone with a newborn baby, the first week of a 20 week marathon training schedule ( What WAS I thinking?!), the first days with a 12 week old yellow lab (Why must this puppy lick my legs?  No one told me I would be wearing dog spit! And dog hair.)!  I used to be an enthusiastic beginner when I look back on myself as a child.  I was curious.  I asked questions.  I tried new things.  Somewhere along my journey, it became more important to succeed and succeed effortlessly.  I preferred only the safe, low-risk challenges that were not too hard.  And I liked the affirmation I received when I did well. 

My man and I enjoyed a restorative eight week sabbatical from ministry this summer.  We spent two weeks at The Potters Inn, located in Divide, Colorado.  This is the lodge where we met for our spiritual direction.

Basically we spent 5 days cocooned in our cozy cabin, met with our spiritual directors, read, listened for God whispers and penned our thoughts in journals.  God helped me uncover this performance-oriented, get-it-right-or-else self that was wearing me out.  And He invited me to live from my true self, who He made me to be. A book by Henri J. M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved, helped me put words around this concept of being chosen by God and called beloved.  Nouwen says,

 "Our preciousness, uniqueness, and individuality are not given to us by those who meet us in clock-time, our brief chronological existence, but by the One who has chosen us with an everlasting love, a love that has existed from all eternity and will last through all eternity." 

 Noewen also states,

 "When you lose touch with your chosenness, you expose yourself to the temptation of self-rejection." 

 And do I get that concept.  When I start performing for the audience in clock-time, I can't do enough or be enough and I start rejecting who I am.  Wrong thinking here girl.  But when I am secure in being a chosen daughter of God, the One who delights in me and planned for me before my parents even conceived me then I am free to enjoy me and to love who I am. 


With these thoughts simmering in my soul, sitting on a bench like this,

 I sensed bubbling in my spirit thoughts like these, "Why don't you try?" and "Go explore." and "Discover who I am making you." and "Listen for what makes your soul sing."  I felt as if the Holy Spirit in me was being my personal cheerleader, "Sure you can.  Why not?  Don't be afraid."  I wondered if I remembered how to explore without playing it safe.  It has been a long time since I went out on a limb, exposing myself and my longings. Risking failure or mediocrity.  But wasn't that what I was experiencing by not being true to who God purposed me to be?   The gift of my unique self, my well-being, my quiet soul will truly be a gift to others and honor God so much better than this striving, stressed-out, self-rejecting woman.  And this leads me to where I began this post, new starts.

I remind myself of how it felt to be slow but... I kept running, to be inexperienced but humbly ask for help, to be afraid and exhausted but doing it anyway.  Not always doing it great, sometimes feeling like swearing, or being grumpy, or wanting to give up...but not.  I believe if fear, hard work, feeling clumsy or stupid are the only things keeping me from trying something I'm curious about or longing to experience then those are not good enough reasons.   And not giving up resulted in these beautiful children blessing my life over and over.  Meet (left to right) Mechelle (daughter-in-love), Jeremy and Maria.

And not giving up on training this dog, Taffy, gifted our family her unconditional, tail-wagging love.   

When I said a crazy "Yes" to a marathon in 2011 and fought through doubts and fears and sore muscles and unhappy toenails, this is what "I finished!" looks like:

And not settling for anything less than God's best in my marriage looks like this, thirty-two years later:

Happy.  Loved. Forever.

 



Letting my curiosity and wonder lead me to expression in the written, very public realm of blogging I will persevere when it is clumsy, hard or scary, ask for help from my niece (you can check her blog out here), and realize this:  If I don't try now, a year from now nothing will have changed.  If I try, a year from now it will be easier, I will be a better writer and I may encourage someone else to be, to dream and to stretch their wings.

Maybe writing will be in my future.  No matter, I will enjoy the journey and trust God delights in my efforts to be authentically ME!  So I have begun!