Dreaming Big, Starting Small

 

Our daughter has a saying about curtailing overeating that goes something like this, "There will always be a last bite, so I decide my last bite will be within healthy eating boundaries."  Stopping something enjoyable or habitual is one kind of hard.

There is another kind of hard that has to do with starting.  Beginning.  Made harder perhaps by my love of quick and instant.  My desires seem unattainable or take too long to realize.

The days, months, or years between making changes and getting the results I want seem dull and long and hard.  And perhaps the result of my work will not be as I imagined. 

So I stay where I am. Where it is safe. And a month from now, a year from now, I will be exactly where I've been.  Longing. Dreaming. Wondering. 

When I was training for a marathon five years ago, I remember how my sweat sisters and I celebrated shaving seconds... yes, seconds... off our time.  We celebrated tiny indicators of growth in speed and endurance.  We did the daily, mundane work of training and our bodies strengthened.  Twenty weeks later we finished a marathon! 

I have begun another adventure following a nudge from God.  The invitation wasn't written in big, bold letters. It feels risky to me.  I am releasing comfortable rhythms of work and life.  I am changing up familiar routines of  prayer in my relationship with God, exploring new-to-me spiritual practices in relating to God.  These practices involve listening and being with Him.  I'm back in a formal learning environment, taking classes in spiritual direction.  I'm a fifty-something wrestling with technology to do it.  I feel awkward.  Clumsy.  Vulnerable.  I wonder what in the world I am doing?

I celebrate small successes.  Things like successfully uploading assignments to Box, an internet site used by our facilitators to gather our homework;  the joy of reading words that show me this journey I'm on is one taken by many before me.  I notice my growth.  I listen better to my people.  I am more aware of my impact on others.  It's slow going, this trail I am on.  And if I hadn't started I'd still be where I was. 

 

I remember the brush tangled creek bank on our property twenty years ago.  I had a paper bag full of daffodil bulbs from my grandfather.  On a hot August Saturday, my husband and I cleared the bank and using a digging iron, made holes for the bulbs, dropped them in the rich soil and waited.  Summer.  Autumn. Winter.  Spring.   Science can explain the biology of daffodils.  We simply placed the bulbs in an environment for growing and trusted the process of growing things. And in the Spring, we had a glorious bank of sunny blooms!  Bountiful beauty!  They reproduce themselves and multiply!  It's called naturalizing.....it happens naturally.

And so I step out in hope of realizing a longing of my own.  I plant myself in an environment for growth.  I trust the Gardener, my beautiful, dangerous, tender God.  And we will see what He does with my seed of faith.  It is risky business, stepping into realizing dreams.  It is also exhilarating, opening an expanse of grace that is refreshingly freeing.

What nudge are you experiencing?  What small beginning are you being invited to?

For those of you interested in what I am up to, in September I began a two year certification process to become a spiritual director.  I quit my nursing job in December of 2011 after months of processing a prompting I sensed from God.  Not sure where I was going next I focused on taking care of our pastor (my husband), homemaking, being intentional about relationships, and growing in intimacy with God.  I started this blog and have been writing in fits and sputters.  In February of 2015 I learned of this training being offered at Kavannah House by Sustainable Faith.  After praying about it with my husband, my spiritual director and a dear friend, I applied and was accepted to the program.  The journey has been rich and scary.  Some weeks I feel as though I am drinking from a fire-hose, the learning coming at me crazy fast.  Other times I am overwhelmed with my own inadequacies.  Mostly I have a sense of being in a wilderness, somewhere between where I was and not sure where I'm headed, in an exhilaratingly liberating way.  It is as mysterious as that last sentence! 

 

I've been invited to contribute to the Kavannah House blog and I am grateful for the opportunity and the vote of confidence in my writing skills.  It will provide some accountability for this procrastinator.  God is working on redeeming my perfectionistic, controlling tendencies.  I am hopeful that as I worry less about getting it "right", whatever "it" happens to be, procrastination will be less a problem for me. 

Thank you for taking time to stop by and check in with me.  I hope I am an encouragement to you to step into all the color God has for your life!

Fixing My Gaze

 

I've been thinking a lot about reflections lately.  I shot this beauty while on a Sunday afternoon run with my man in a nearby park. 

I wonder why my inner commentary is not, "Wow, let me take a picture." when I look at myself in a reflecting surface. 

Instead the conversation with myself goes something like this: 

"Those grays are really starting to show....you better do something....and soon, you are looking old."

"When did my cheeks start sagging below my jaw?"

"Boy, you are getting pudgy around the waist."

"I'm not satisfied with the way I look."

And it doesn't stop with appearance.  I criticize my work, my talent, or what I am not doing, being, or accomplishing.  I wonder where I learned to be so hard on myself. 

It begins with comparing myself to any number of things.  Other women, magazine photos, Pinterest, Facebook posts, television, peers, family.

Perhaps I will choose a different reflective surface.  Perhaps it is not that anything is lacking with me.  Perhaps it is the mirror I am looking into.

Today I will fix my gaze on a pure reflective surface.

I will spend time being still with Jesus.  I will listen for His whisper in my soul.  I will look into the Scriptures. 

I will embrace health, not a number on the bathroom scales.

I will be grateful for every line and sag on my face that gives testimony to lots of laughter and living.

I will be grateful for my mind, my opportunities, my lot in life.

I will be for every woman and her dreams, not threatened or diminished by her being herself.

I will explore, enjoy, twirl, dance, laugh and be free to be me in full color.

Occasionally Daily I will invite the Holy Spirit to blow through my soul with His perspective, unknotting my tangled thoughts and smoothing the old ruts in my soul so I reflect the glory of my God! 

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?"
1 Corinthians 3:16

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty!"  Psalm 84:1

At the end of the day, I want to look into the only mirror that matters, my relationship with God and His thoughts towards me.

While Waiting

Some days I am so full of anticipation and longing that my soul aches.  My soul brimming with ideas, hopes and dreams.  I look up at a brilliant early autumn sky like this and the beauty intensifies my longings.

I am frustrated with the whole desire thing.  It seems I am invited to be attentive to the longings yet there is the interminable waiting to see them realized.  If I weren't rooted in my relationship with Jesus I'd probably be chasing down willy-nilly ideas to satisfy my desires. 

There is a majestic oak tree on our bank by the Muddy Creek that borders our property.  This tree often distracts me when I am sitting with Jesus.  I wonder how big it was when my maternal grandfather and his brothers wandered along these creek banks.  The Good home place is just upstream from our home.  This tree has witnessed many storms, droughts, and snowstorms.  Yet it stands strong and tall, the many limbs providing shade and shelter to various creatures.  Our campfire circle is under its boughs. 

It reminds me of the scripture in Psalm 1:3 where the man who meditates on God's Word day and night "...is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.  Whatever he does prospers."  I find encouragement in our grand oak tree.  God reminds me through this tree to keep my roots deeply connected to the source of my life, Jesus, and to bear fruit according to my unique person.  Our tree is patient, resting in the soil and growing up and up, branching out over and over again.  The reach of this tree is enormous.  As will my life be as I surrender my desires to God, to be satisfied in Him, and do the next right thing I know to do. That is what the Holy Spirit whispers when my soul is disquieted with longings.  I am invited to trust Him.

I invite you to trust God too.  Lean into His heartbeat and see what whispers you hear.  And look up now and again, at the sky and the trees, the mountains and the hills, and know God is mightier then we can ever grasp.

Counting my Spring Blessings

It is summer.  Officially.  We celebrated the summer solstice three days ago.  But today I choose to hit  "pause" on my summer expectations to savor blessings of the abundant weeks of spring.  Here are a few of my blessings, not to give you cause to compare your life to mine, but to stir your soul with prompts for your own counting.

1. Mother's Day and my birthday were two days apart this year so my daughters planned an evening to spoil me with love, food and a few gifts.  The priceless gifts were seated around the table; our parents, my Aunt Mary, our children.  Family, be it biological, adoptive, or a faith community, is a rich place of belonging.  And I am thankful for mine.  "God sets the lonely in families," Psalm 68:6.

2.  I am thankful for hearts that dream, are willing to take risks, and act to fulfill them.  This is different than wishful thinking.  Jeremy has desired to have a small flock of chickens and this Easter he and Mechelle set this dream to reality.  From peeps to hens, it was delightful to watch their growth.  It was a family project to finish the coop before vacation and move the "chipsters" in.

3.  I am overjoyed for the celebration of baptism as two of my nephews declared their commitment to Jesus publicly;  Joel in the solemn setting of a Sunday morning worship service, Brady in the outdoor chapel of nature and a creek.  Both equally sacred, celebrated and witnessed by family and friends.  I recall a letter written by my maternal grandmother and read at her funeral.  Her words, "I love you all for choosing Jesus as your Savior.  You will never be sorry for this... We prayed for you each day and God answered our prayer.  We felt like John said, I have no greater joy than to see our children walk in truth...May you keep on the narrow road that leads to the eternal city of God the new Jerusalem.  I have prayed for you that your faith fail not." Mabel Good, 1912-2002. I am grateful for the legacy of faith in Jesus Christ passed down through the generations.

 

4.  I savor the books I had opportunity to read this spring.  I devoured another Wendell Berry book, Hannah Coulter, about the reflections of an old woman on her life in the fictional town of Port William.  I discovered Madeleine L' Engle too, enjoying A Wrinkle In Time, The Severed Wasp, both fiction and currently, Walking on Water, a book about faith and art.  Finally, a little book that packed more than I can absorb in one reading, The Way of the Heart by Henri J. M. Nouwan, about solitude, silence and prayers from the heart.  I am grateful for literacy and my education.

5.  I am thankful for courage to try new things.  Our children thought a fun beach vacation activity would be kayaking on the bay.....so we all agreed...and laughed, and got wet and made memories and I faced my fears.  Why are new things so scary for me?  But I am glad I didn't let the fears cripple my sense of adventure.  I would have been robbed of delight. 

6.  I am over-the-top thankful for a week with our children.  It wouldn't matter where we spent it.  It so happens we enjoyed Ocean City, Maryland together.  But any uninterrupted time with our adult children is like rich food for our soul, refreshing and restoring us. 

7.   I am thankful for the godly men in my life.  I know not every woman (or man) can echo that statement.  Both my Martin heritage and the Horning family I married into is blessed with God-fearing, kind, gentle, strong, courageous men.  I'm sure I've broken some kind of writing rule to use so many adjectives but I can't leave one of them out.  And I need to add another one, respectful of woman.  The fathers in our family unit have been faithful men.....and I am filled with gratitude. "It's far easier to raise strong sons than to heal broken men." Frederick D.  I'll post a picture of the men in Kevin's immediate family, three generations.......faithful.  If your heritage isn't this one, be the one to change course and gift the next generation a healthy legacy.

8. I'll end my gratitude list with this one.  The gift of Easter lilies received over the past years from the children or Kevin are now blooming in my gardens.  And their beauty sings, "He is risen!  Jesus Christ is risen, indeed!!"
I am thankful for the life I have in Christ! "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;  the old has gone, the new has come!"  1 Corinthians 5:17.

Do you count blessings?  Or keep a gratitude journal?  What are you savoring today? 
 

Thoughts While Immersed In A Spring Landscape

This view distracts me when I am sitting with Jesus.  I think He understands.

I just finished reading the gospel according to Luke in the sacred Scriptures and two interactions with Jesus nabbed my attention.  Both involved wealthy men.  Both were given an invitation.  Only one received a transformed life. 

These two accountings of Luke take place in back to back chapters.  In the first one in chapter 18, a ruler comes to Jesus, addresses him as "good teacher" (presuming to know what Jesus was), and asks what he must do to inherit eternal life.  This man assures Jesus he has been a good person since he was a boy, keeping all the commandments.  Jesus tells the ruler to sell all his possessions, give to the poor and gain treasure in heaven.  Jesus then extended the invitation to this ruler of great wealth to follow him, to have relationship with him. The man was sad because he had great wealth.  It was a hard "do". 

Note to self:  When invited to "do" things for Jesus apart from relationship with him, it is hard. 

 I'm noticing this delightful fragrance; the lily-of-the-valley is pure sweetness.

The account that follows in chapter 19 tells of another man of great wealth but less respectable in the eyes of the community being a chief tax collector.  He also pursued Jesus but scriptures state it was because "he wanted to see who Jesus was".  Apparently this man, Zacchaeus, came with an open mind and heart in pursuing an encounter with Jesus.  When Jesus spots Zacchaeus, he extends an invitation of relationship to this wealthy man and it is gladly accepted.  Home to Zacchaeus' house they go.  As a result of this time together, Zacchaeus, addressing Jesus now as "Lord", declares he will give half his possessions to the poor and make restitution to those he cheated, paying them back four times the amount taken.  Jesus proclaims salvation came to the house of Zacchaeus, calling him a son of Abraham. 

Note to self:  Being with Jesus changes my heart and my actions.  When I pursue who Jesus is I discover my Lord and who I am to be!

The ruler and the tax collector clearly represent two approaches to God.  One approach is God presumed understood and then attempting to do good things for him.  It is doing to earn favor.  The other approach is pursuing relationship to understand who God is and receiving boundless grace from Him.  Grace that transforms a life.

In the Bible study I just completed called Children of the Day by Beth Moore on 1 and 2 Thessalonians, she provided a extensive definition of grace from the Greek word, "charis".  From it I personalized a definition to try to capture what spoke to my soul:

Grace is the loving kindness, favor, pleasure and acceptance of the Lord Jesus unveiling the true, redeemed Melanie in all her God-purposed and designed uniqueness. 

Feel free to sub in your name.  I would not presume to have all the theology of grace captured in that statement I constructed.  But it helps me color in more of what grace creates in my life, paired with God's truth.  When I spend moments being with Jesus I receive grace and I become more of who I am meant to be and the doing follows.

Each flower and shrub is uniquely beautiful according to divine design.

The ruler walked away sad and unchanged because he wasn't open to parting with his money and learning to know Jesus. The tax collector learned to know Jesus and gave away half his money and made restitution with what was left. 

Being with Jesus is the best doing you can do.

Why is it so hard to do? 

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

"There is no way a soul can thrive when it is hurried."  Dallas Willard

"Now this is eternal life;  that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." Jesus, John 17:3

Abundant living is knowing God Almighty!

Spring Reflections

Among riotous spring colors, the song of birds and the noisy parenting of multiple duck families, I pause gratefully to welcome May from our patio along the Muddy Creek.

  I had purposed in April to post weekly of my rambling thoughts and simple rhythms of living.  As you may or may not have noticed, it didn't happen.  I fussed about this with my spiritual director in my April session, noting it would help if I scheduled hours in my week to sit and write, treating it as an appointment to keep.  I have written many a post in my head while jogging.  My musings are plentiful for those who care to listen.  But I've noticed these ideas don't write themselves.  With any project or goal, purging closets, cleaning up garden beds, ironing a stack of shirts, hosting a dinner party or losing weight as examples, you can't think it done. You have to do it.  Put in the time.  Work it out.  I must admit that I am a slow start at times.  I have to process the how, be sure of the why, make sure I'm convinced the sacrifice is worth it.  There are other times I jump into a project with a frenzy of energy.... but that is mostly for household chores.  So with renewed commitment to writing, I am scheduling Tuesday as my writing day.  Maybe not all day, but part of the day for sure.  It's a start.  What would you like to schedule to start?  The truth of the matter is, nothing will be different next month for either of us if we don't change what we are doing now.  

I picked up an old book of poetry at a yard sale on Saturday, published in 1931 by Robert Louis Stevenson, A Child's Garden of Verses.  The poems are delightful and I imagine someday reading them to another generation of little people.  This very short one conveys my heart of gratitude this day.

 

HAPPY THOUGHT

 

The world is so full of a number of things,

I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.

 

In spite of earthquakes and riots and other sad news, choosing thankfulness helps me reorient my perspective towards God's generous favor towards me.

 

As I think of what would go on my Happy List from the past month or so, these three come to mind.

 

1.  I enjoyed a four day get-away with four women, all married to pastors, in sunny Stuart Beach, Florida in March.  Delightful!  We talked and talked some more then prayed for one another.  There were tears and laughter.  We learn much from each other, four different decades represented in our ages, as together we wrestled with the questions we have in our journeys of faith and ministry .  I also learned not all sushi is raw fish.  Who knew? 

 

 

2.   I am grateful for a joyful Easter celebrated with all of our children present in our worship at New Life Fellowship.  Whenever we can be all together I am one happy mamma!

 

 

After church we gathered at my parents' home for the traditional ham dinner.  My brothers, their families, my aunt and the five of us make a noisy crowd at the table but the introverts among us are used to it and we savor the traditions of story telling, gentle teasing, and lots of food.

 

 

This is my beautiful niece, Caitlyn, who helped me get started in blogging and who bales me out of the technical difficulties I get myself into.

 

3.  I am grateful beyond words for the rebuilding of our creek side patio wall.  This winter the freezing heaved the rocks down the bank. 

 

 

You can see there was no way Kevin was going to put these boulders back in place.

So we bit the financial bullet and put in a retaining wall and now our patio perch along the creek looks like this

 

It is a peaceful place to be still and know God. 

 

A few days ago I finished a book by John Ortberg called Soul Keeping. 

In it he challenges readers with this discipline,

 

 "How many moments of my life can I fill with conscious awareness of and surrender to God's presence?" 

 

 It is a good practice.  I don't have it mastered.  There are too many hours in my life that I am not filled with awareness of God's presence.  But I work at it.  I ask the Holy Spirit to  prompt my remembering.  And when my stove dies (it did last week), or the car just stops (it did for Kevin two weeks ago), or someone I care about gets bad news (it happened on Tuesday), I have to ask God for his peace, his perspective, or his comfort and walk on in a posture of trust.  Even when I can't see the "how" or understand the "why", I rest in knowing I am never without his Presence, his power or his provision every hour of my life. And this patio by the creek is a grand place to sit and soak in that understanding.  

 

 The flowers of Spring are food for my soul.  Perhaps a short tour of my backyard will delight yours as well.

 

Pink Bleeding Heart with Forget-Me-Nots in background

Sugar peas are growing nicely in the raised beds Kevin made for me last summer.  In front of them are the candy onions I planted this spring and the garlic planted last fall.  In the background are some tulips in my Easter garden.  It's where I plant the lilies and tulips that are gifted to me by my children and others in Easter seasons past.

The ferns ready to unfurl their fronds!

 

Lenten Rose.  I found this at the New Holland Re-usit shop.  Someone must have been thinning their beds!

 



 

  

"Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.  Praise the LORD."
Psalm 150:6

Whisper, Tale of a Winter Butterfly

Monday morning I woke to the sound of a bird singing.  It's tune was hopeful and brought a sleepy smile to my face.  In bird language it announced the assurance of Spring on its way!  It was gray outside and the schools were on a two hour delay due to the snow and freezing rain of the night before.  The bird didn't know his song should delay because his Creator wired his rhythms and it was time to sing.  Little did I know, something else was stirring!

After a Skype call with Maria (who was in Nepal on business) at noon, Kevin noticed that one of my chrysalis' had birthed a black swallowtail butterfly.  I was thrilled...... then panicked.  It is COLD and March and not a thing blooming!  What does one do with a butterfly that hatches too soon?  I posted to Facebook this question and my cousin Ed suggested the place to start was a name!  I call him Whisper, because today Spring whispered a promise to me in birdsong and a butterfly birthday.  Life is seasons and rhythms and moments marching on, offering us treasures if only we notice.  Now I have a name for the butterfly in a hurry. 

 

I put the jar containing his roommate chrysalis in the  cold garage hoping to stay another premature birth. I put an orange quarter in a saucer for its sustenance. I learned from my internet research that I can feed a butterfly Gatorade, fruit juice or sugar water (boil and cool ten parts water to one part sugar).  Soak a cotton ball or paper towel in one of these solutions and feed the butterfly.   It advised me to protect the butterfly from hot light bulbs.  Good idea.  I wonder how long he will live in my house this winter.  Their lifespans are short, usually a few weeks.  But the miracle of caterpillars and cocoons and butterflies thrill me.  And while I would have preferred he birthed at a time when he could be released to the sky, I am treasuring his beautiful wings and these thoughts he inspires.

Though it is my oversight, storing the chrysalis in a warm kitchen, his too soon emergence reminds me that I often hurry the time in cocooned waiting, impatient for the next thing, the promise of new freedom or adventure or seasons.  I hear God whisper, "Wait for my timing, Daughter-of-mine.  Trust me in the season of preparing.  Be present in the now!"  Our Lord Jesus is not hurried in the way He works in our lives.  He takes His time and makes all things beautiful according to His design and purpose for each one of us.  Jesus delights in our journeying with Him, us keeping in step with His Spirit and the opportunities He gives us to observe, participate and grow. 

My butterfly clings to the sunny window, fluttering against it as it tries to fly to the sky.  It knows where it belongs, flying free, doing what butterflies do.  Instead, it has to settle for my feeble attempts to give it an imitation life. 

I hear God whisper, "Don't settle for the imitation life this world offers.  You will wear out your wings looking for meaning in things that don't satisfy. Your longing for delight, abundance and purpose is only found in Me.  Find Me and you will find your life!"  

I can enjoy  the comforts my western culture say are necessary, a perfect family, career and financial success, a wonderful wardrobe, a beautiful home, status, position, influential friends...but my soul will suffocate with too many demands, too much to prove and no time to breathe.  Even though I have provided my butterfly with an amaryllis in bloom, a sunny window, fresh squeezed orange juice served in a pretty blue dish and protection from the elements, he still longs for something.  His fluttering at the window tells me that he knows he was meant for more.  It is distressing me and tears are puddling in my eyes as I am typing for I hear his wings beating against the windowpane.  I hate that I robbed him of his true life.

What sadness God must feel, when we trade His wonderful gift of life for fool's gold.  Jesus cautions me in Luke 12:15 to be on guard against all kinds of greed; saying "a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."  The Message states Jesus invitation in Luke 12:31 this way, "Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions."  My longings will be satisfied only in relationship with Jesus Christ.  Psalm 46:10 invites, "Be still, and know that I am God."  From that place of relationship I am free to become who I am to be .  Accepted and beloved.  My soul breathing with freedom to play and explore this wonderful gift of life.

I recently finished devouring another book, A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman. You can find more about her here at her blog, Chatting at the Sky. My copy of the book has page corners turned down, highlighted sentences, my responses jotted in the margins...it is as if she wrote the book looking inside my head at the wrestling matches I have with myself and God.  Freeman eloquently reminds me that,

  "You are made in the image of Creator God and carry his Holy Spirit with you wherever you go.  You are a poem written inside the person of Christ and exist to carry out his inner desire.  You are an image bearer and you have a job to do."


I have a job to do.  You have a job to do.  Fill up with Jesus, pour out meager offerings and watch God multiply for His glory and to our delight.  Life!

A few weeks ago I was reading Luke 13:18-20, Jesus' describing the kingdom of God.  I was inspired to compose a poem like I used to in elementary school,  Haiku-style:

The Kingdom Of God

 

 Seed and yeast offered

To God becomes boughs and bread

Refreshing many.



 

Itty-bitty things, unassuming and small, when offered  to God with a  little faith become encouragement to the weary worlds we occupy. Not because of us but God through us.  I'm learning this rhythm of offering my words, my smile, my strength.....me...... to God to use for the ones He places in my ordinary life without needing to worry about outcomes, results, success or lack thereof.  In this place, being an image bearer of God with a job to do, I can flourish and fly in the freedom God planned for me.  Not limping about in an imitation world of abundance,

but truly free!

 

 

 Free as this hawk Kevin, Maria and I watched soar above the treetops but below us or at our eye level from our vantage point at 9,000 feet in the mountain of the West Elk Wilderness in Colorado.  (Photo by Maria) Free, doing what hawks do,  their lives reflecting the glory of God!

May our lives be lived in freedom and abundance for God's glory and our delight!  How are you flying today?  What is your signature style of freedom in who you are?