I’ve been reading about surrender to the Perfect Love of
God. I still don’t know how to perfectly
walk out this surrender of control to God, to let God control my relationship
with God, my other relationships, life, and world. It is scary to be utterly
dependent on another. To say, “Have your way.”
Yet I am learning more deeply than ever that God is good.
I still don’t know if God will ask me to do something
counter to my heart’s desire. I remember God says he gives me the desires of my
heart. And I believe some of my longings are from God and part of who I am
created to be.
I still don’t know how this Perfect Love works. Where does
this boundless fountain of love come from? This fountain that never runs dry
and loves every single breathing person on this globe. Who is this Trinity we
call God, Jesus, Spirit? Can I trust this Love? This love that is for me. Will
it sustain me? Satisfy me? I get
glimpses of it and taste it. When Perfect Love draws too close to the shadows
in my soul, I shrink back. Fear says,
“Are you sure Trinity can be trusted?”
There have been God representatives in my life who tried to
change me, fix me and fit me into their religious mold of uniformity. They didn’t really see me. This conditional love clouds my understanding
of Perfect Love.
I find myself slipping into performing, into being what I
think others expect me to be. To please
people is a temptation for me. My
resentment rises. Feeling stuck follows.
I withdraw and wonder if God is like that? Will God ask of
me what I can’t do? Will God ask of me that which gives me nightmares and puts
me in the mold of “rightness” for that person, situation, denomination or
employer? The box that stifles my
freedom to be me.
No! It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I am no
longer a slave to culture, to religion, to patriarchy, or other people’s ideas
of what I should be or do.
I still don’t know how to walk in this complete surrender,
to Perfect Love, to God’s complete control. I take small steps into the expanse
of grace and freedom. I remember that I don’t have to make anything happen in
this life.
Then words or an experience knock me off balance. I shrink
back into myself and grab the controls; back into the shadows of resentment,
fears of failure and to shame over my uniqueness.
I hear a quiet lullaby in my soul. It is a song that Holy Trinity sang over me
before I was in my mother’s womb. It is a song of love and delight. I am
invited to know myself and know God, to know God and know myself. I am invited
to trust the control of my being to the One who knows who I am and loves me
without boundaries. 
I still don’t know how this Perfect Love of the Trinity
works but I will keep listening to the song because what I have experienced is
good.
