Letting Go

For years my life revolved around my family, friends, church and job. In fact, much of the first half of my life involved growing things; growing our family and our church, my competency as a community nurse, and my relationships with extended family and friends.  I also grew in my knowledge and affection for God, demonstrating my love for God by doing service for God. Serving the vision of the church. Serving people.  It was a fruitful season filled with joy and satisfaction. Mostly.

Every now and then I would experience dissatisfaction, a longing for something I couldn’t identify. I would dream of being more.  More what?  I couldn’t answer that. It was easier to identify what I didn’t want than put my finger on the itchy dissatisfaction bumping along below the surface of my consciousness.  

 

 I observed acquaintances and relatives shucking their normal lives and taking the plunge into following their dreams.  I looked in with amazement at their courage and wondered how they managed to get from the dreams in their hearts to living it out.  It looked easy, if a little risky, but the life in their eyes spoke to the adventure they were enjoying. I wondered if I would ever find the courage to step out of my comfort zone and follow my dream.

Six years ago I responded to a nudge from God and left my nursing job, trading it for increased time reading, praying and investing in relationships. I started writing.  About the same time, my husband, the Preacher, started taking his wooden bowls and vases to art shows.  Two years ago I began a training program and became a certified spiritual director and the Preacher’s daughter-in-love opened an Etsy shop for the wood creations. In all this slow journey of creating art with our lives, hands and words, the Preacher and I began to dream of a larger space to grow our art. We found some land and are wading more deeply into realizing our longings.

Following a heart longing is a slow journey involving lots of invitations to let go.  It means hanging onto the desire and letting the tears of impatience and fear flow. To create what is in my heart to do and let the results up to God; to let go of my timing and trust God’s time; to do it for an audience of a few and let go of my desire for esteem. To leave the security of what was my normal life for an adventure with unknown ending. 

We are far enough along in this adventure so that turning back isn’t an option. I have occasional meltdowns in my prayers when the doubts flood my soul. Even if I could get back to what was normal I realize I would be trading the sleepless nights of “What in the world are we doing?” for “”When will I have the courage to embrace the invitation stirring in my soul?” Both questions are disquieting.

Letting go of what is sure and safe is not easy. When I quiet myself and breathe, I connect with the spark of our dreams and experience Trinity’s assurance that all will be well.  I sense a whisper to trust the Hand that is holding us and keep walking, keep dreaming, keep creating. 

Lullabies and Love

 I’ve been reading about surrender to the Perfect Love of God.  I still don’t know how to perfectly walk out this surrender of control to God, to let God control my relationship with God, my other relationships, life, and world. It is scary to be utterly dependent on another. To say, “Have your way.”

Yet I am learning more deeply than ever that God is good.

 

I still don’t know if God will ask me to do something counter to my heart’s desire. I remember God says he gives me the desires of my heart. And I believe some of my longings are from God and part of who I am created to be.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love works. Where does this boundless fountain of love come from? This fountain that never runs dry and loves every single breathing person on this globe. Who is this Trinity we call God, Jesus, Spirit? Can I trust this Love? This love that is for me. Will it sustain me?  Satisfy me? I get glimpses of it and taste it. When Perfect Love draws too close to the shadows in my soul, I shrink back.  Fear says, “Are you sure Trinity can be trusted?”

 

There have been God representatives in my life who tried to change me, fix me and fit me into their religious mold of uniformity.  They didn’t really see me.  This conditional love clouds my understanding of Perfect Love.

I find myself slipping into performing, into being what I think others expect me to be.  To please people is a temptation for me.  My resentment rises.  Feeling stuck follows.

I withdraw and wonder if God is like that? Will God ask of me what I can’t do? Will God ask of me that which gives me nightmares and puts me in the mold of “rightness” for that person, situation, denomination or employer?  The box that stifles my freedom to be me.  

No! It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I am no longer a slave to culture, to religion, to patriarchy, or other people’s ideas of what I should be or do.

I still don’t know how to walk in this complete surrender, to Perfect Love, to God’s complete control. I take small steps into the expanse of grace and freedom. I remember that I don’t have to make anything happen in this life.

Then words or an experience knock me off balance. I shrink back into myself and grab the controls; back into the shadows of resentment, fears of failure and to shame over my uniqueness.

 

I hear a quiet lullaby in my soul.  It is a song that Holy Trinity sang over me before I was in my mother’s womb. It is a song of love and delight. I am invited to know myself and know God, to know God and know myself. I am invited to trust the control of my being to the One who knows who I am and loves me without boundaries.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love of the Trinity works but I will keep listening to the song because what I have experienced is good.

 

When Longings Disturb My Soul

Tossing and turning in my bed, I tried to get comfortable and shut off the list of good intentions I ignored the previous day. The same accusations played on the turntable of my mind. You failed at body care, you did not practice your writing, you didn’t work on your vocational goals and you aren’t disciplined enough in your pursuit of God.  You are an imposter.

I counted my blessings.  I redesigned a dream house. Sleep remained elusive.

 

 

I asked God to help me pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. I noticed the accusing thoughts were around commitments I made to care for my health and to explore longings of my heart.  It occurred to me that I was experiencing stress caused by tension between what I believed to be true about how I was living and God’s truth, the riches of His grace lavished on me as His chosen, adopted, forgiven, redeemed and blessed daughter.

My response to my version of truth was instinctual.  I just have to try harder to live according to my vision of what I want my life to be. 

And how has that worked for me? Not well at all.

 

In frustration I wonder why I can’t be content with life as it is, comfortably routine. Why can’t I keep my desires buried? Why do I pay attention to that restless longing for more of God and more for my life?

 

More questions infiltrated my sleepy fog. What if my longings are from a good God who desires good things for his girl? What if I depended on His power to walk in His truth for my life? What if I could extend grace to myself for the mystery in my unanswered questions, trusting my good God for what is around the bend in my future?

When the light of morning woke me, the questions of the night still simmered in my soul. During my morning jog God stirred these practical promptings into the mixture:

 

Could you take a few small steps daily towards growing in these longings I’ve deposited in your heart?

Would you be willing to embrace your desires, that deep thrum in your soul, and trust my goodness to help you satisfy them?

Tackle a hard thing every day.

 

Notice your journey instead of fretting about the speed you are traveling. Or asking when you will get there!

 

Another expanse of grace opened for me. Small daily steps will move me towards satisfying the longings God places in my heart.  I will follow His heart and mine into my day, depending on Him to show me the way.

Learning Contentment

Something has begun to change in me as I have started thinking about my days in terms of what I could record in story form in this blog. There has been a shift in my viewfinder as I've lingered in thoughts and savored my "world", trying to articulate what matters to me.  I am experiencing a deeper contentment with my life.  But definitely not complacency as I have been stirred to imagine growing in many ways.  It didn't take long for me to notice this change as I've only published a handful of posts.  But my experience validated what a continuing education course I took in 2013 taught.  The Word of God also confirms what I've experienced.

For the past two years Kevin and I have dreamed about moving to another home with potential to realize some of our longings.  Kevin longs for a larger workshop for his woodturning, furniture making hobby.

  A property with room to stack his wood collection but not too big that he would have more yard care or maintenance.  That would take away from his hobby time.  He would enjoy an old farmhouse that he could build kitchen cabinets, add artistic wood trim, and reveal the natural beauty of wood to his hearts content throughout the place.  A house like that would be his artist's "canvas".  As for me, I think a fireplace would be the cat's meow for creating a cozy home with a huge gathering room for people plus a space for potential in-law quarters as needed. And trees.  A woodland would create the right environment for this girl. All of these dreams have had us looking at real estate advertisements, going for Sunday afternoon drives, imagining how we could finance our visions for the future.  Arranging and rearranging the possibilities.  We tried not to be discontent with our home but "The Dream" had us restless.   On our sabbatical last summer one take-away for me was to begin writing.  A dream of mine not dependent on fireplaces or woodlands.

I began spending time keeping company with Jesus, being still and meditating on Him and a section of the scriptures.  While the weather was warm and sunny I often sat outside.  I embraced slowing down, not hurrying thorough my days.  I tried to be mindful of moments, really seeing my surroundings, enjoying my health, family, friends and home.  I started to savor the view out my car window as I motored about going here and there. When I ran, I looked about with an eye as to what picture would capture my feeling that day.  My life began to unfold in my eyes like a story.  Our spiritual directors at Potters Inn would tell us that our life stories are sacred.  As they sat with us and asked us about our stories, actively listening, we sensed in a fresh way our belovedness to God.  Experiencing those moments of being heard confirmed in our hearts the importance of being with people and listening to their stories with empathetic hearts.  Sometimes that is enough for someone to take courage and go at life again.  Their pain (or confusion or joy or sadness or disappointment or hopes or dreams) was validated in the eyes of the engaged listener and it tells them they matter, they have been seen.

In my own fresh practice of savoring my life with appreciation and the lens of my little canon camera or smartphone something began to shift.  My satisfaction with my home grew.  Instead of being frustrated with my home's limitations I could appreciate what it offered us, warmth and sanctuary.

 Instead of longing for a rustic house in a big woods I notice how precious my view out the back of our house is to me, the creek that meanders through the fields and trees and sparkles in the sunlight.  This creek has provided hours of fun for our children; fishing, swimming, rearranging rocks, hunting crayfish.

 

  The Muddy Creek has been my friend for the past twenty years.  The sounds of water rippling over the rocks comes through our open bedroom windows during the summer, sending me off to dreamland.   I noticed how often I now thanked God for our third of an acre of paradise, grateful that He planted us here and ashamed that I had valued the gift so little. Writing and illustrating (in a limited way) what is happening in my life these days has released in my soul an deeper love for my Jesus, my family and friends, my church, my home....my life.  It is an extravagant gift. This abundant life I live has less to do with my possessions and more to do with my perspective.  Let me assure you that this continues to be a journey for me because I do appreciate possessions and comfort.

I remember what I learned at a conference in 2013 on Developing Positive Emotional Habits, sponsored by the Institute for Brain Potential and presented by Brian E. King, Ph.D. One of the emotional habits of happy people, he says, is reflecting on joy filled states of being, such as in making photo albums or scrapbooks or reminiscing with friends and family.  Dr. King stated that "When you tell a story about your life, it encourages you to live a better story."  As I understand this,  it is not that you are creating a fake person in how you present to the world, masks and all, but instead it is way of being in which you "strive to create positive hopes and expectations."  His words not mine in those quotation marks.  One of the interventions taught at this seminar is developing the habit of savoring.  It is the practice of looking about and noting the things you take for granted, being mindful of the good feelings these produce and thoroughly enjoying them.  Dr. King writes, " Happiness does not lie in the things themselves but in the relish we have of them." My experience in writing this blog gives witness to the change in my heart as I have become more focused on my present circumstances instead of living in longing for some future ideal.

I've been soaking in the gospel of Luke the past month and these words of Jesus have been reverberating in my soul.  I read from my beloved NIV then often reread the same words from The Message.

These are a smattering of phrases from Luke 12:22-32 that call us to savor what matters, to be fully present in our lives, in the paraphrased words of  The Message,

"Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God.  And you count far more......Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers.  They don't fuss with their appearance-but have you ever seen color and design quite like it?......What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving....Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your human concerns met.  Don't be afraid of missing out.  You're my dearest friends!"

I am enjoying contentment deep in my soul....most days.  It is a journey I am on, this being present and responsive to God's daily gifts to me.  It is a satisfying place to live.

"Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need."

                        Sarah Ban Breathnack