Lullabies and Love

 I’ve been reading about surrender to the Perfect Love of God.  I still don’t know how to perfectly walk out this surrender of control to God, to let God control my relationship with God, my other relationships, life, and world. It is scary to be utterly dependent on another. To say, “Have your way.”

Yet I am learning more deeply than ever that God is good.

 

I still don’t know if God will ask me to do something counter to my heart’s desire. I remember God says he gives me the desires of my heart. And I believe some of my longings are from God and part of who I am created to be.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love works. Where does this boundless fountain of love come from? This fountain that never runs dry and loves every single breathing person on this globe. Who is this Trinity we call God, Jesus, Spirit? Can I trust this Love? This love that is for me. Will it sustain me?  Satisfy me? I get glimpses of it and taste it. When Perfect Love draws too close to the shadows in my soul, I shrink back.  Fear says, “Are you sure Trinity can be trusted?”

 

There have been God representatives in my life who tried to change me, fix me and fit me into their religious mold of uniformity.  They didn’t really see me.  This conditional love clouds my understanding of Perfect Love.

I find myself slipping into performing, into being what I think others expect me to be.  To please people is a temptation for me.  My resentment rises.  Feeling stuck follows.

I withdraw and wonder if God is like that? Will God ask of me what I can’t do? Will God ask of me that which gives me nightmares and puts me in the mold of “rightness” for that person, situation, denomination or employer?  The box that stifles my freedom to be me.  

No! It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I am no longer a slave to culture, to religion, to patriarchy, or other people’s ideas of what I should be or do.

I still don’t know how to walk in this complete surrender, to Perfect Love, to God’s complete control. I take small steps into the expanse of grace and freedom. I remember that I don’t have to make anything happen in this life.

Then words or an experience knock me off balance. I shrink back into myself and grab the controls; back into the shadows of resentment, fears of failure and to shame over my uniqueness.

 

I hear a quiet lullaby in my soul.  It is a song that Holy Trinity sang over me before I was in my mother’s womb. It is a song of love and delight. I am invited to know myself and know God, to know God and know myself. I am invited to trust the control of my being to the One who knows who I am and loves me without boundaries.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love of the Trinity works but I will keep listening to the song because what I have experienced is good.

 

A Child Leads Me

 

While browsing in a home décor store recently, I noticed a toddler in his father’s arms lamenting and reaching for his mama examining merchandise nearby. The boy child was clearly weary of the shopping, perhaps hungry as it was around the lunch hour. A few moments later, in his mama’s arms, she played with him their special little game and he giggled with delight. His peals of laughter were sweet and distracted me from the shop’s merchandise. I paused and enjoyed his delight.  They continued their game and his giggles erupted again and again. I noticed four other shoppers and two store employees paused to observe the exchange between mother and child. As the adults smiled at one another, the elderly man commented that there is nothing quite as pleasant as the laughter of a child. We all nodded in agreement.

The pause of two or three minutes in the hustle of the day refreshed my perspective. God was present in the intimate moment between mother and son. The mama’s play and child’s response clearly demonstrated his trust and belonging in her arms of love. He had forgotten his tiredness, his hunger.

 

I, too, have lamented to my Father God the recent losses in my life and the weariness of dashed hopes.

 

Still, I find myself;

delighting in a small child’s laughter,

noticing the frost glistening on pine needles,

captured by the pink glow of morning sky reflected on the waters of our backyard creek,

 tickled to my soul with belly laughs,

 

and content with the snuggles of my grandbaby and sweet conversations with our adult children.

 

I realize I am in the nurturing presence of my Father’s love, beloved and belonging.

 

My doubts,

my angst, 

my questions. 

Momentarily forgotten and sharing delight with God for the gifts of daily life.

Being aware of God’s presence and attentive to the treasures of each day help me hold the mystery of troublesome questions and doubts that linger in the shadows of my soul with trust in the arms of Perfect Love.