Lullabies and Love

 I’ve been reading about surrender to the Perfect Love of God.  I still don’t know how to perfectly walk out this surrender of control to God, to let God control my relationship with God, my other relationships, life, and world. It is scary to be utterly dependent on another. To say, “Have your way.”

Yet I am learning more deeply than ever that God is good.

 

I still don’t know if God will ask me to do something counter to my heart’s desire. I remember God says he gives me the desires of my heart. And I believe some of my longings are from God and part of who I am created to be.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love works. Where does this boundless fountain of love come from? This fountain that never runs dry and loves every single breathing person on this globe. Who is this Trinity we call God, Jesus, Spirit? Can I trust this Love? This love that is for me. Will it sustain me?  Satisfy me? I get glimpses of it and taste it. When Perfect Love draws too close to the shadows in my soul, I shrink back.  Fear says, “Are you sure Trinity can be trusted?”

 

There have been God representatives in my life who tried to change me, fix me and fit me into their religious mold of uniformity.  They didn’t really see me.  This conditional love clouds my understanding of Perfect Love.

I find myself slipping into performing, into being what I think others expect me to be.  To please people is a temptation for me.  My resentment rises.  Feeling stuck follows.

I withdraw and wonder if God is like that? Will God ask of me what I can’t do? Will God ask of me that which gives me nightmares and puts me in the mold of “rightness” for that person, situation, denomination or employer?  The box that stifles my freedom to be me.  

No! It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I am no longer a slave to culture, to religion, to patriarchy, or other people’s ideas of what I should be or do.

I still don’t know how to walk in this complete surrender, to Perfect Love, to God’s complete control. I take small steps into the expanse of grace and freedom. I remember that I don’t have to make anything happen in this life.

Then words or an experience knock me off balance. I shrink back into myself and grab the controls; back into the shadows of resentment, fears of failure and to shame over my uniqueness.

 

I hear a quiet lullaby in my soul.  It is a song that Holy Trinity sang over me before I was in my mother’s womb. It is a song of love and delight. I am invited to know myself and know God, to know God and know myself. I am invited to trust the control of my being to the One who knows who I am and loves me without boundaries.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love of the Trinity works but I will keep listening to the song because what I have experienced is good.

 

When Longings Disturb My Soul

Tossing and turning in my bed, I tried to get comfortable and shut off the list of good intentions I ignored the previous day. The same accusations played on the turntable of my mind. You failed at body care, you did not practice your writing, you didn’t work on your vocational goals and you aren’t disciplined enough in your pursuit of God.  You are an imposter.

I counted my blessings.  I redesigned a dream house. Sleep remained elusive.

 

 

I asked God to help me pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. I noticed the accusing thoughts were around commitments I made to care for my health and to explore longings of my heart.  It occurred to me that I was experiencing stress caused by tension between what I believed to be true about how I was living and God’s truth, the riches of His grace lavished on me as His chosen, adopted, forgiven, redeemed and blessed daughter.

My response to my version of truth was instinctual.  I just have to try harder to live according to my vision of what I want my life to be. 

And how has that worked for me? Not well at all.

 

In frustration I wonder why I can’t be content with life as it is, comfortably routine. Why can’t I keep my desires buried? Why do I pay attention to that restless longing for more of God and more for my life?

 

More questions infiltrated my sleepy fog. What if my longings are from a good God who desires good things for his girl? What if I depended on His power to walk in His truth for my life? What if I could extend grace to myself for the mystery in my unanswered questions, trusting my good God for what is around the bend in my future?

When the light of morning woke me, the questions of the night still simmered in my soul. During my morning jog God stirred these practical promptings into the mixture:

 

Could you take a few small steps daily towards growing in these longings I’ve deposited in your heart?

Would you be willing to embrace your desires, that deep thrum in your soul, and trust my goodness to help you satisfy them?

Tackle a hard thing every day.

 

Notice your journey instead of fretting about the speed you are traveling. Or asking when you will get there!

 

Another expanse of grace opened for me. Small daily steps will move me towards satisfying the longings God places in my heart.  I will follow His heart and mine into my day, depending on Him to show me the way.

Whispers In A Photo Album

 

I walked on memory lane a few weeks ago. Following our granddaughter’s birth, her daddy’s baby pictures invited perusal. As I turned the pages of the photo album, I remembered the love in every cell of my body for the babe and the bone-tired exhaustion. 

 

I noticed the twenty-six year old me, brown eyes sparkly with joy and a big smile. A darling brand new mama. I noticed I looked prettier than I remember feeling in those post-partum days. What I recalled seeing reflected in the mirror was my body stretched and saggy with post-partum weight loss and my face pale with sleep deprivation.

My fifty-three year old eyes now see a pretty woman nurturing a healthy baby, loving a hard-working man, and creating a peaceful home. That young woman was good, full of love and dreams. She also had insecurities and self-criticism that kept her from being present to the daily opportunities and gifts in her life. I am sad over what my inner critic took from my twenty-six year old me.

 

As I wandered through the old photos, questions percolate in my heart. What might my someday older self say to me about this current season of my life? What grace would she offer?  What clarity?  What encouragement?

 

I hear God invite me to embrace my uniqueness, my strengths… and my limitations.  He offers me grace to be a learner and offers his presence as I examine my fears and insecurities. He reminds me of my belovedness as His perfectly human daughter.

 

These days I am grateful for my progress in releasing the need to control life. I am learning to accept imperfection when trying new things.  I am learning to move toward my fear rather than deal with the disappointment of lost opportunity.  I am learning to extend grace to myself just as God does for me.

 

 

When I am seventy-five years old and looking at old photos with my granddaughter, I want to see a woman who felt as beloved and beautiful as she was. And still will be.  And am right now… perfectly imperfect.