For years my life revolved around my family, friends, church
and job. In fact, much of the first half of my life involved growing things;
growing our family and our church, my competency as a community nurse, and my
relationships with extended family and friends. I also grew in my knowledge and affection for
God, demonstrating my love for God by doing service for God. Serving the vision
of the church. Serving people. It was a
fruitful season filled with joy and satisfaction. Mostly.
Every now and then I would experience dissatisfaction, a
longing for something I couldn’t identify. I would dream of being more. More what?
I couldn’t answer that. It was easier to identify what I didn’t want
than put my finger on the itchy dissatisfaction bumping along below the surface
of my consciousness.
I observed
acquaintances and relatives shucking their normal lives and taking the plunge
into following their dreams. I looked in
with amazement at their courage and wondered how they managed to get from the
dreams in their hearts to living it out.
It looked easy, if a little risky, but the life in their eyes spoke to
the adventure they were enjoying. I wondered if I would ever find the courage
to step out of my comfort zone and follow my dream.
Six years ago I responded to a nudge from God and left my nursing job, trading it for increased time reading, praying and investing in relationships. I started writing. About the same time, my husband, the Preacher, started taking his wooden bowls and vases to art shows. Two years ago I began a training program and became a certified spiritual director and the Preacher’s daughter-in-love opened an Etsy shop for the wood creations. In all this slow journey of creating art with our lives, hands and words, the Preacher and I began to dream of a larger space to grow our art. We found some land and are wading more deeply into realizing our longings.
Following a heart longing is a slow journey involving lots
of invitations to let go. It means
hanging onto the desire and letting
the tears of impatience and fear flow. To create what is in my heart to do and let the results up to God; to let go
of my timing and trust God’s time; to
do it for an audience of a few and
let go of my desire for esteem. To leave the security of what was my normal
life for an adventure with unknown
ending.
We are far enough along in this adventure so that turning
back isn’t an option. I have occasional meltdowns in my prayers when the doubts
flood my soul. Even if I could get back to what was normal I realize I would be
trading the sleepless nights of “What in the world are we doing?” for “”When
will I have the courage to embrace the invitation stirring in my soul?” Both
questions are disquieting.
Letting go of what is sure and safe is not easy. When I
quiet myself and breathe, I connect with the spark of our dreams and experience
Trinity’s assurance that all will be well. I sense a whisper to trust the Hand that is
holding us and keep walking, keep dreaming, keep creating.
