Letting Go

For years my life revolved around my family, friends, church and job. In fact, much of the first half of my life involved growing things; growing our family and our church, my competency as a community nurse, and my relationships with extended family and friends.  I also grew in my knowledge and affection for God, demonstrating my love for God by doing service for God. Serving the vision of the church. Serving people.  It was a fruitful season filled with joy and satisfaction. Mostly.

Every now and then I would experience dissatisfaction, a longing for something I couldn’t identify. I would dream of being more.  More what?  I couldn’t answer that. It was easier to identify what I didn’t want than put my finger on the itchy dissatisfaction bumping along below the surface of my consciousness.  

 

 I observed acquaintances and relatives shucking their normal lives and taking the plunge into following their dreams.  I looked in with amazement at their courage and wondered how they managed to get from the dreams in their hearts to living it out.  It looked easy, if a little risky, but the life in their eyes spoke to the adventure they were enjoying. I wondered if I would ever find the courage to step out of my comfort zone and follow my dream.

Six years ago I responded to a nudge from God and left my nursing job, trading it for increased time reading, praying and investing in relationships. I started writing.  About the same time, my husband, the Preacher, started taking his wooden bowls and vases to art shows.  Two years ago I began a training program and became a certified spiritual director and the Preacher’s daughter-in-love opened an Etsy shop for the wood creations. In all this slow journey of creating art with our lives, hands and words, the Preacher and I began to dream of a larger space to grow our art. We found some land and are wading more deeply into realizing our longings.

Following a heart longing is a slow journey involving lots of invitations to let go.  It means hanging onto the desire and letting the tears of impatience and fear flow. To create what is in my heart to do and let the results up to God; to let go of my timing and trust God’s time; to do it for an audience of a few and let go of my desire for esteem. To leave the security of what was my normal life for an adventure with unknown ending. 

We are far enough along in this adventure so that turning back isn’t an option. I have occasional meltdowns in my prayers when the doubts flood my soul. Even if I could get back to what was normal I realize I would be trading the sleepless nights of “What in the world are we doing?” for “”When will I have the courage to embrace the invitation stirring in my soul?” Both questions are disquieting.

Letting go of what is sure and safe is not easy. When I quiet myself and breathe, I connect with the spark of our dreams and experience Trinity’s assurance that all will be well.  I sense a whisper to trust the Hand that is holding us and keep walking, keep dreaming, keep creating. 

Lullabies and Love

 I’ve been reading about surrender to the Perfect Love of God.  I still don’t know how to perfectly walk out this surrender of control to God, to let God control my relationship with God, my other relationships, life, and world. It is scary to be utterly dependent on another. To say, “Have your way.”

Yet I am learning more deeply than ever that God is good.

 

I still don’t know if God will ask me to do something counter to my heart’s desire. I remember God says he gives me the desires of my heart. And I believe some of my longings are from God and part of who I am created to be.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love works. Where does this boundless fountain of love come from? This fountain that never runs dry and loves every single breathing person on this globe. Who is this Trinity we call God, Jesus, Spirit? Can I trust this Love? This love that is for me. Will it sustain me?  Satisfy me? I get glimpses of it and taste it. When Perfect Love draws too close to the shadows in my soul, I shrink back.  Fear says, “Are you sure Trinity can be trusted?”

 

There have been God representatives in my life who tried to change me, fix me and fit me into their religious mold of uniformity.  They didn’t really see me.  This conditional love clouds my understanding of Perfect Love.

I find myself slipping into performing, into being what I think others expect me to be.  To please people is a temptation for me.  My resentment rises.  Feeling stuck follows.

I withdraw and wonder if God is like that? Will God ask of me what I can’t do? Will God ask of me that which gives me nightmares and puts me in the mold of “rightness” for that person, situation, denomination or employer?  The box that stifles my freedom to be me.  

No! It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I am no longer a slave to culture, to religion, to patriarchy, or other people’s ideas of what I should be or do.

I still don’t know how to walk in this complete surrender, to Perfect Love, to God’s complete control. I take small steps into the expanse of grace and freedom. I remember that I don’t have to make anything happen in this life.

Then words or an experience knock me off balance. I shrink back into myself and grab the controls; back into the shadows of resentment, fears of failure and to shame over my uniqueness.

 

I hear a quiet lullaby in my soul.  It is a song that Holy Trinity sang over me before I was in my mother’s womb. It is a song of love and delight. I am invited to know myself and know God, to know God and know myself. I am invited to trust the control of my being to the One who knows who I am and loves me without boundaries.

I still don’t know how this Perfect Love of the Trinity works but I will keep listening to the song because what I have experienced is good.

 

Serenity

 

In unguarded moments, with the lightness of a feather caressing my soul, my entire being becomes alert to the goodness of life. This awareness is accompanied by acceptance of all that encompasses my life in the moment. The nanoseconds of peace are intimate, come unexpectedly, clear my perspective and stir wordless gratitude. They breeze through my soul, bathing it in light, color, music and fragrance.

It happened recently on a gorgeous spring morning talking with my neighbor after a brisk walk. As we were chatting, I was simultaneously aware, in the depths of my being, that life is holy and good. Sometimes it touches me when my hands are in the earth, pulling weeds and removing spent blossoms.  Another time this consciousness came out of the shadows was when watching glistening water droplets dancing with the emerging hatch on a mountain stream, warm sun on my back and my love beside me.

I wish I could make these honeyed moments happen. I receive them as gifts from God and savor each occurrence.

I notice these graces show up in the quiet, unhurried days of my life. The days that start with a rested body and stillness in prayer are the days they are more likely to occur. Sometimes, in the midst of demanding scheduling, if I pause, breathe and pay attention to my blessings, I might sense a light grace touch my soul.  Other times, it is the breath and pause that brings refreshment.

What I can do to open myself to these graces God gifts me is protect my life from living at a high speed of constant demands and stress.  I choose, sometimes better than other times, to align my life with what I value:

-time for listening to God and my people,

-a simpler lifestyle,

-contentment with less, believing I have enough,

-resting even if unfinished with a task,

-letting go of needing to have everything perfect,

-playing and being creative,

-spending time in the outdoors and

-allowing time to putter and think.

 

I wonder if this is what the man and woman experienced in the first Garden in Time; when Time began and there was time for everything. No hurrying. No deadlines. Walking with the Holy Presence and being fully present. All was perfection and goodness and soaking in the extravagant love of the Beloved Trinity.

This is what I imagine when I experience the crystal clear stillness of deep-souled knowing that all is very well. 

 

A Child Leads Me

 

While browsing in a home décor store recently, I noticed a toddler in his father’s arms lamenting and reaching for his mama examining merchandise nearby. The boy child was clearly weary of the shopping, perhaps hungry as it was around the lunch hour. A few moments later, in his mama’s arms, she played with him their special little game and he giggled with delight. His peals of laughter were sweet and distracted me from the shop’s merchandise. I paused and enjoyed his delight.  They continued their game and his giggles erupted again and again. I noticed four other shoppers and two store employees paused to observe the exchange between mother and child. As the adults smiled at one another, the elderly man commented that there is nothing quite as pleasant as the laughter of a child. We all nodded in agreement.

The pause of two or three minutes in the hustle of the day refreshed my perspective. God was present in the intimate moment between mother and son. The mama’s play and child’s response clearly demonstrated his trust and belonging in her arms of love. He had forgotten his tiredness, his hunger.

 

I, too, have lamented to my Father God the recent losses in my life and the weariness of dashed hopes.

 

Still, I find myself;

delighting in a small child’s laughter,

noticing the frost glistening on pine needles,

captured by the pink glow of morning sky reflected on the waters of our backyard creek,

 tickled to my soul with belly laughs,

 

and content with the snuggles of my grandbaby and sweet conversations with our adult children.

 

I realize I am in the nurturing presence of my Father’s love, beloved and belonging.

 

My doubts,

my angst, 

my questions. 

Momentarily forgotten and sharing delight with God for the gifts of daily life.

Being aware of God’s presence and attentive to the treasures of each day help me hold the mystery of troublesome questions and doubts that linger in the shadows of my soul with trust in the arms of Perfect Love.

 

 

Dusty Corners

When the rhythm of my life is out of synch and I’ve permitted the pace to sweep me along with the hurried masses, I get grumpy.  I lose connection with my soul and who I am. As my “Yes’s” pile up and overwhelm my days with activity, so do my “No’s” to the spiritual practices I thrive on to listen for God’s voice. 

My schedule fills and I default to the not so spiritual practice of neglect.

In my home, this means tidying up the house yields to a promise for later. Meals become fast and processed. Exercise gets slashed. In relationships with God, family, friends and strangers I rely on the culturally acceptable excuse, “I’m too busy right now.”

I actually say, “My life is so full.”

This avoids the “B” word. Busy. I’ve been taught that word red flags unhealthy soul practices. But a “full” life makes me feel better. I tell myself I am choosing what I am doing. It seems easier to say “Yes” to life’s unrelenting demands, the pleasing of others and fulfilling expectations rather than protecting time for the priorities and assignments God has given to me. Instead of choosing the thoughtful “No” that honors my limitations and my calling, I try to juggle both the requests of my small world and my soul’s priorities.

These are signs that my life has become disordered.

When the corners of my house are dusty and there are cobwebs on the dining room chandelier most often the nooks and crannies of my soul are neglected too.

When I am pleading busyness in my relationships, my prayers are hurried and distracted.

When my body care is compromised, so too is my Sabbath rest.

Tending to commitments I ought not to have made leaves me desolate and discouraged. Once again my compromise comes into focus.

I still myself in silence, solitude and prayer.  I begin to address the cobwebs in my soul as well the dust bunnies in my house. Perspective becomes clearer. Peace returns. I know my belovedness and sense my arrow pointing true.

I commit to my rule of life. Puttering about doing chores in silence and practicing solitude and prayer, keep my interior and exterior being in rhythm with the Beloved Trinity. When my soul keeping is my priority, the cobwebs in my house are tended to as well.

 

It Wasn't A Gift I Asked For

With moonlight caressing my face and tears of hopelessness and helplessness soaking my pillow, the gift was quietly present.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

When anger tumbled out of my mouth in a torrent of words spilling from a trampled soul, the gift belonged to me.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Forgetting the darkness in my heart and judging the shadows in my neighbor’s, the gift whispered its presence.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

While coveting another’s talents and sulking in scarcity and ingratitude, the gift shimmered its offering.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Arrested by penetrating love shining from my crucified Savior’s face, the gift announced its name.

Mercy

Mercy flows on the parched landscape of my soul.

Mercy transforms ashes to beauty.

Mercy triumphs over judgement.

Mercy illuminates my beloved uniqueness.

The gift I didn’t ask for comes wrapped in extravagant mercy and overflows with love for me.

Jesus Christ, my Savior and my Friend.

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

 

My Everyday Choice

Concerns tumble in my heart like water over rocks, noisy and clamoring for attention.  Long held dreams…unfulfilled, concerns for family members…unresolved, questions about my future…..when?  I am feeling forgotten.  I am afraid I am not enough.  Perhaps I’m a “B” version of a woman?  Doubts cavort in my heart.

I pray with the “Pray As You Go” app on my phone. Jesus tells his listeners, “Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God, believe also in me.”  He says again, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you….do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.”(John 14)

 

His words suggest I have a choice, “Do not let…”

He says, “Believe also in me.”

I get to choose.

Believe God or the cacophony in my heart.

Will I “let” fear strangle my spirit?  Will I “let” doubts dull the colors in life?

Or…

Will I “let” serenity still my troubled spirit?  Will I “let” calm quiet my heart?

Today, I choose to believe God.  I receive the peace Jesus gives me. It will be what I breathe, today.